Man: “Alright, this is what you don’t understand. I love you. I want to make this work. But you got to let me be LeBron.” 

Women: “What?” 

Man: “It’s a metaphor for our relationship; you got to let me be LeBron. You’re big Z and I’m Lebron. Big Z is essential to the team’s success. He does a lot of great things.  He is a good free throw shooter. He can get offense rebounds. He has great range for a big man. But when the game’s on the line, LeBron gets the ball.” 

Women: “You think I look like Zydrunas Ilgauskas?”

Man: “No, you don’t look anything like Big Z. You are real sexy. You got a nice body. And your face is pretty. Your hair smells nice. Your head is a little big but besides that you don’t look anything like Z. It’s a metaphor. I am trying to find a way to explain our complex relationship in simpler terms.” 

Women: “This is stupid.” 

Man: “It’s not stupid. You’re stupid.” 

Women: “You are so mean.” 

Man: “You’re not stupid. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Let me try it again. If our relationship was a professional basketball team, it would be the Cavs, and on that team I would be LeBron James and you would be big Z. LeBron loves and appreciates big Z and knows that the team is better off with Z. Sometimes when Z is shooting free throws he can’t believe how lucky he is to be with Z.  When Z was a free agent people where saying let him go there are better centers out there. Z is slow, and he doesn’t play great defense, and he never shuts up when him and LeBron are watching TV and when LeBron went to Blockbuster to rent a DVD there was another center there that he went to high school with and the center gave LeBron her phone number and said call her and then that centers cell phone rang and her ring tone was Lollipop by Lil' Wayne so you know she doesn’t mind doing something. But LeBron didn’t care. He said I don’t care about all those other centers or their ring tones.  I want Z. I am committed to Z. And Z appreciated that, and even though maybe Z could have gone somewhere else and made a little more money and had better individual numbers he knew if stayed with LeBron he would have the best chance to win a championship.” 

Women: “What about the other players on the Cavs? Who is Boobie Gibson in our relationship?”

Man: “Nobody’s Boobie Gibson in our relationship. Why do you care about Boobie Gibson? You think he’s cute? You want to make out with him?Forget Boobie Gibson. He is not even gonna start this year.” 

Women: “I was just trying to understand the metaphor better.” 

Man: “Bullshit. Why didn’t you ask, who Delonte West was in our relationship? Do you think about Boobie Gibson winning the three point contest when we’re having sex? Does the fact that he set a record with eleven threes in the Rookie/Sophomore Game turn you on?” 

Women: “No I was just trying to understand. I’m a little lost.” 

Man: “I’m friggin tired of all this Boobie Gibson talk.” 

Women: “I’ve never mentioned him before; I’m just trying to understand it better. Can you try one more time?” 

Man: “Okay. Bottom line- you try and be Kobe too much. Telling me what to do. How to act. What to wear. You’re always trying to be the boss. Kobe and LeBron can’t coexist over the long haul. They may play great in the Olympics but over a whole season and a career, it wouldn’t work.  LeBron wants and needs Z. He doesn’t want Kobe. You see what I’m saying.  I want you to be my Z. Will you be my Z?” 

Women: “I’ll try and be your Z.” 

Man: “I’m not asking you to try. Will you or won’t you be my Z?”